I love you, Goodbye
by romanticidiot
Summary: Slash. SiriusRemus. One shot. Post-Hogwarts. Remus and Sirius are going through a rocky stage in their relationship and Sirus realises he has to leave. Remus is having none of it, however ...


**DISCLAIMER:** The characters and the song aren't mine. Song is Celine Dion's 'I love you, Goodbye.' Beautiful song, and well, we all know the characters!

**WARNING:** Another SLASH offering.

**_I love you, Goodbye_**

_**By**_

_**LizzY Tears**_

It had started out so well. It had been cute and smug, and tentative and uncertain. And passionate and heated, and beautiful and pure.

But now … things had deteriorated and were no longer the fun, triumphant times they used to be. Nobody was quite sure who was to blame, if anyone at all was.

_Wish I could be the one_

_The one who could give you love_

_The kind of love you really need_

They supposed it wasn't really a question of how, but a question of when. People who were as different as they were simply could not _work_ together, could they? They had told themselves that opposites and attracted and that if they had the most important thing, if they loved each other, then it would be alright.

But it wasn't.

Things just weren't working anymore. Every conversation was a strain, every sentence was analysed for unintended offences before being spoken, and they tiptoed around each other like robbers on forbidden ground.

Their friends had noticed, of course. How could they not? Invitations given to one sometimes never made it to the other, sentences started with 'I am' rather than 'we are' and the blatant furious looks across the table sometimes just couldn't be hidden.

Neither of them was really sure where the responsibility lay to make things better, but each thought it lay with them. It had to be their fault, didn't it? The other person was perfect and devoid of fault.

Sirius took this upon himself with the most vehemence. He had always known, in his heart of hearts, that Remus was too good for him. Always known that although Remus was the only who could stop him playing around, that his Black nature would always win through.

_Wish I could say to you_

_That I'll always stay with you_

_But baby that's not me  
_

_You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you_

He knew it was painful for his partner to watch their relationship fall apart, but he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to give Remus everything he needed, but he was sure what he needed wasn't him.

He knew how easy it would be to become what he thought Remus needed. He could _be_ the charming Victorian gentleman; he had been that character all his life, played that part again and again. Until he had come to Hogwarts and found James, Peter and Remus, who had all brought him out of his conditioning.

_Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do_

_Oh I could say that I'll be all you need  
_

_But that would be a lie_

He was reluctant to go back into that mould, not just because it would kill him to do so, but because Remus would know he was doing it, and would die, too. There was nothing Sirius wanted to avoid more in the world than Remus' pain, to make his life more beautiful.

_I know I'd only hurt you_

_I know I'd only make you cry_

Sirius had watched Remus' voyage of self-destruction, his descent into depression and disinterest. There was none of that spark he had so loved left in his partner, no sign of the man he had fallen in love with, and Sirius knew it was his fault.

His cheating, faulty ways had driven Remus to the desperate state he was in now.

So Sirius knew he had to leave.

_I'm not the one you're needing_

_I love you, goodbye_

It had been a monstrous decision for him to make, to finally leave his lover, partner, boyfriend, best friend. But he knew in his soul he had to. There was no other answer, no other solution, no other way to give Remus back his life.

He knew it was going to hurt the other, that it would tear him to pieces without Sirius there to glue him back together. But he also knew it was for the best. He obliterated any doubt in his mind, knowing that if he didn't, that he would give up and let Remus keep him, despite the detrimental effect of continuing their relationship. Although it was easier, Sirius knew he couldn't let Remus win.

He hoped Remus wouldn't hate him, hoped he'd forgive him for leaving. Forgive him for everything.

_I hope someday you can_

_Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you_

He knew what he was going to say. He was going to explain to Remus that it wasn't working, that there was someone out there who was better for Remus than he, Sirius was, that it wasn't Remus' fault, but Sirius' instead.

But dammit, it was going to be hard. It was the hardest thing he was ever going to have to do, he knew. It was harder than leaving his family, harder than passing his NEWT'S, harder than swallowing his pride and allowing Lily into the ranks of the Marauders and harder than coming out with his sexuality.

_I don't really wanna go_

_But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do  
_

_You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be  
_

_Who'll give you something better  
_

_Than the love you'll find with me_

It was a Tuesday when he finally found the courage and the conviction. He had thought of everything, had come up with a back up story, should Remus not believe the relationship had broken down irrevocably. He would say it just wasn't working for him, that he had found someone else (a female, to dig the knife deeper) and that Remus was just a way to discover himself.

So he took a breath, carefully placed his bags by the front door and dressed in his leather jacket, the one that made him look ruthless and harsh. The one that Remus hated.

He took himself up to their room that morning, slipping out of their bed early. He had given extra care to the other person in his bed that night. Held him gently when he slept and planted gentle kisses to his cheeks while he was oblivious.

The bed looked as tousled as when he'd left it half an hour earlier, the half dressed man still secreted inside the plain covers, just beginning to wake.

"Morning, Sirius." He said sleepily as Sirius entered the room, tapping a beat on his thigh nervously. He frowned. "Why are you wearing that jacket? Where are you going?"

"Nowhere." Sirius snapped, annoyed that even now, Remus was demanding to know where he was going, just the way he always did. He had to remind himself that Remus was acting as he normally did because he didn't know there was anything wrong, yet. That that morning was the last time they would ever be classed as a couple.

A familiar pained, haunted look came into Remus' eyes and Sirius cursed himself again for hurting him.

"Sorry." Remus said humbly, avoiding his eye and plucking at the blanket.

Sirius took a breath and strode purposefully across the room, taking the warm wrists of his partner in his hands.

"Remus, there's something I have to talk to you about."

_Oh I could say that I'll be all you need_

_But that would be a crime  
_

_I know I'd only hurt you  
_

_I know I'd only make you cry  
_

_I'm not the one you're needing_

Remus looked up, startled. He was alerted by the fact that Sirius was both willingly touching him and looking deadly serious, both of which Sirius hadn't done in a long time.

"What?" He asked, worrying already.

"I … I'm ending the relationship." Sirius breathed bluntly.

Shock and devastation appeared instantly in Remus' eyes as he tried to comprehend the words he had just heard.

"What?" He repeated.

"I'm breaking up with you." Sirius reiterated, cursing himself again for causing the hurt look in Remus' eyes.

"Why?" Remus demanded, tears beginning to well up.

"Because it's not working!" Sirius exclaimed, letting go of Remus' wrists and throwing his hands up.

"It is!" Remus insisted desperately.

"No, it's not!" Sirius all but shouted, the tension of the past weeks preceding his decision welling up inside him. "Look at us! We can't hold a single conversation without fighting, we haven't touched properly in months and we walk on egg shells around each other. That's not the way it's supposed to be! That's not the way it used to be."

"I'm sorry." Remus whispered. "I'll do better, I promise, I -."

"No." Sirius said gently. "You'll do nothing."

_I love you, goodbye_

"Why are you doing this?" Remus begged.

Sirius almost died, right there and then. He hadn't meant to make Remus cry, although he knew he would. Remus should not _be _like this! Remus wasn't so weak and exhausted, he was strong and vibrant. He shouldn't look so cowed when Sirius entered the room and he shouldn't shrink away when he advanced.

"Because I have to." Sirius said with finality and stood up.

Remus grabbed onto his dangling hand and gazed up at him.

"Please don't." He whispered. "I'm sorry I'm like this, just please, don't leave."

_Leaving someone when you love someone_

_Is the hardest thing to do_

_When you love someone as much as I love you_

"Remus, don't do this." Sirius pleaded, feeling himself break inside.

"Like hell I won't!" Remus cried, suddenly standing up and crossing his arms. "You can't just walk in here and break up with me because you think it's right! You haven't given this a chance! We can make things work if we want."

Sirius smiled grimly, time to pull his last card.

"Maybe I don't want." He said, and watched Remus break.

"There's someone else." He guessed.

Watching his reaction, Sirius nodded slowly.

"Yes. I met … Daniella a few months ago." He lied. "I guess I just …"

"Stop." Remus told him. "Just stop. I don't want to hear it. I don't believe you."

"It's true." Sirius insisted. "I couldn't help myself, I just …"

"Shut up." Remus hissed.

_Oh, don't do this, Remus._ Sirius begged inwardly. _Don't make this harder than it is._

But Remus was staring at him with angry, tear filled eyes, and wasn't making easy at all.

"You're lying to me, Sirius." Remus stated.

"I'm not." Sirius contradicted.

"You are." Remus insisted. "You can't lie to me, you never could."

"I-."

"Just give up." Remus told him. "Don't try and tell me you've fallen in love with a woman. It's a lie to yourself, to me and to all we've been through. Just don't."

"Fine." Sirius burst out angrily. "There's no one else. I was trying to make it easier for you, but you're too stubborn. There's no one else, there has never been anyone else and there will never _be_ anyone else!"

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Because I'm not good for you!" Sirius shouted back. "I'm killing you inside!"

Baby, its never gonna work out

_I love you, goodbye_

"You're not doing anything of the sort!" Remus yelled, clenching his fists.

"I am!" Sirius shot back. "You haven't smiled at me in months, you haven't tried to kiss me in even longer, I make you cry at night, I hear you, and you looked so tired and exhausted it's making my heart break!"

_I love you, goodbye_

"You deserve someone who is going to make you happy!"

"You make me happy!" Remus said heatedly, shooting him a glance.

"No, I don't." Sirius shook his head, tears beading up in his eyes. "I make you sad, tired, depressed and angry, but I don't make you happy. You need someone who's going to make the bed, make you breakfast, keep the bathroom clean, tell you where they're going, call when they're going to be late, kiss you when you want them to and get along with all your friends for your sake, not just if they like them as well!"

With that, Sirius spun on his heel, dashed the tears from his eyes and headed for the door.

"I don't want someone who expects me to call all the time, who is so clean it's scary, who organises everything by chronology, who insists the tea go in first before the milk or who listens to bad music!" He told the door. "I don't need telling what to do, Remus, and that's what you do. You have to have control of me all the time, and I hate it. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are, without wanting to change you. You deserve them, not me." He finished and opened the door.

He was almost out the door when a tiny, quiet voice reached his ears.

"Don't you think that's up to me to decide?"

Sirius paused.

"What?"

"Don't you think it's my decision to know whether I need someone who's perfect, or if I need you?" Remus clarified, looking at his back.

"Remus …"

"Sirius, I love you." Remus stated simply. "I know I don't say it nearly enough, but I do. I don't mind that you don't make the bed, that you don't clean the bathroom, that you don't tell me where you're going or that you don't call when you're going to be late. If I did, I wouldn't still be with you."

Remus gazed at him with clear intensity.

"Don't you give me the credit or respect of knowing what I want and having the ability to make that decision? If I wanted to be apart from you, Sirius, we would have split a long time ago."

He was still sitting on the bed, but the force of his words was pulling Sirius towards him, transfixed by his honest gaze and his calm words.

"I know I'm hard to live with sometimes." He said. "I don't mean to be, but you know I bring work home with me. Sometimes dealing with mentally impaired people at St Mungo's is a lot to deal with, knowing what Voldemort must have done to them to drive them out of their minds."

Sirius had never known this before, and he was amazed.

"That's why I'm tired, Sirius, because that's draining. I'm a werewolf besides, and the reason why I don't touch you is because I've never touched you. I don't know how to do it, I never have. You don't exactly have a lot of opportunity when you're considered a dangerous animal." He sighed. "I'm sorry if I upset you, Sirius, but please, this isn't the answer."

By now Sirius was on the bed with him.

"Remus, I -." But he couldn't finish the sentence.

"Okay, Sirius." Remus told him softly. "If you really want to leave, you can."

Their eyes met intensely for a moment, the connection between them so strong neither could break it. Sirius knew it was his decision, his actions at that moment would determine his relationship with Remus forever.

Only one thing seemed to make sense to him right then.

"I love you." He blurted out and threw himself at Remus, burying his face into the other's warm neck.

He felt the tension go out of Remus' body as they embraced, both of them shaking slightly with the force of their emotions.

"I'm so sorry." Sirius said in a broken voice. "I just wanted to make things better for you."

"You always make things better for me." Remus told him and Sirius could hear the smile and the sincerity behind it. "Just by being there, just by being with me. I thought you knew that."

"No." Sirius said. "I didn't."

"Sorry." Remus told him.

"So we're still together?" Sirius asked nervously, looking up at him.

Remus quirked an eyebrow.

"Was I the one trying to leave?" He asked gently and stroked Sirius' hair.

Sirius sighed and leant against the familiar body, feeling the tension flow out of his body as he realised he was going nowhere.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Yes. Yay for the randomness. Actually, not very random because I've been thinking about writing it for a while, but the fact that I could not write my Ancient History assignment for the life of me, meant I wrote this instead. Am about to write another, hopefully, although that means I'll sleep in again dreadfully tomorrow. Well, wish me luck with that one.

Anyway, hope you liked this one! Bit sappy and kinda lacks … I dunno, something, I reckon. Meh, anyway, hope you enjoyed! Thanks to all who reviewed 'Toadstools', love you!

Love always,

LizzY :d


End file.
